What next?

Life, in general, still sucks. My kids and husband are really the only things at this moment that are keeping me going. Well, school too....I actually want to keep going and finish and plan on it if I have to move there, which is starting to sound like a good idea.

Our expenses with our lawyer are accruing everyday and the retainer fee we paid him is long gone. If we have to go to court, that means more money....at least a thousand bucks! Our stupid relatives, from whom we were purchasing the house, want us to pay them over eight thousand dollars, that is $100/wk, for the time we have been in the house, deed them the house, and move immediately. Uhm, if I am not mistaken, IF we deed the house back to them, does that not mean that we pretend that this arrangement never happened. I mean, we borrowed $40,000 at a loan company, paid the house off, gave them the remaining $15,000 and signed a note that we still owed them a balance of $25,000....even though the house only approved for $60,000!! So, if we sign the house back to them, and they assume our note at the finance company, why would we need to give them anymore money? I really wish they would allow a new note to be typed up so we could continue paying them and keep our house. I hate moving, and when all your resources are getting ate up due to rising lawyer fees, it doesn't make it any easier to keep paying the bills here and try to save to rent something else.

I just don't know what to do. We can't really afford to pay a lawyer to go to court, I can't afford to miss school, and Kevin can't really afford to miss work either. It's as if we are in a damn if we do, damn if we don't situation. I really want out of it but I am not giving them that amount of money. I would be glad to sign the house back to them if they payoff or take over the note in their name....but there is no way in hell I am going to let them just have the house and assume the note in my husband's name. What if something happened to them? Then, we would still be responsible for that loan.

I meet with our lawyer tomorrow afternoon to go over a proposed settlement. I know we are willing to go 2 ways: a) let us assume the payments with the relatives once again in good understanding or b) sign the house back and move....no money, no questions asked. All in all, I really don't care how it goes....I just want it to go away! It is really messing with my emotions and I told Kevin yesterday that I really felt as though I needed to see a doctor to get something to help with my nerves. It is getting to where I think about it during class and it is distracting. I get anxious about it and wind up taking it out on him or the kids sometimes by snapping too quickly. Most of the time, I just take a deep breath and walk away. I have broken down and cried on several occasions......once or twice at school. I do it when I know I can get out of my teacher/advisor seeing me because she sure would be asking about it if she saw what shape I was in. So, I tend to put on a mask for that part of my life. Sometimes, it is hard here at home. Kevin doesn't seem to understand why I let it get to me like I do. I don't know why he is like that but I mean, I worry since we have 2 children to think about. If it was just us, then it would probably be no biggie. I mean, we have nowhere to go. My granddad would gladly open his home to us but it is a small 2 bedroom trailer. Now, we have stayed with him before, but we didn't have Chris. It was just us and Megan and Kevin was also over the road trucking too, so he wasn't there much.

I am just disgusted with it all right now. I have so much work to do for school next week and I need to get it done, but it just seems as if everything tends to burst open at the time I have something to do or concentrate on. I really just want to go to bed and sleep it all away.

Hope you all are having a better-than-expected Monday!